Attempts At Adulthood

Reasons my 33 Year-Old is Crying

There’s a lot of terrible stuff that comes with having a kid but one thing I hadn’t anticipated was the crying.  Not the kid’s crying.  That’s also terrible, but everyone hates that.  I’m not even talking about that.  I’m talking about my crying.

I’ve never been a particularly weepy person.   As a child I don’t remember crying much–I have a memory of getting teary eyed at the end of “The Fox and the Hound” which was one of my favorite Disney movies.  In junior high I read “Of Mice and Men” and wound up crying a little both when the dog is killed, and then later at the end which I will not give away in case for some reason you are living in a bomb shelter or on a deserted island and don’t know the ending to “Of Mice and Men.”  I remember getting teary eyed at the fate of Old Dan and Little Ann while reading, “Where the Red Fern Grows.”  Clearly I have a thing for dogs.

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Cut to: present day.  I am in my early thirties.  I just had a baby.  I have no idea what happened to me, but suddenly I break into tears the way Jimmy Fallon used to break into hysterical laughter on old SNL skits.  I’m like that kid from the popular “Reasons my son is crying” blog, but instead of a 2 year old crying because “his juice is in the wrong cup,” I’m a full grown adult crying because we ran out of seltzer and I feel so terrible for not remembering to buy more seltzer the other day when I was out and what is WRONG with me?

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That being said, here are (in no particular order):

THINGS THAT HAVE MADE ME CRY IN THE PAST THREE MONTHS.

1.)     The fact that in the past few episodes of Game of Thrones, Bran’s voice dropped.Image

Here’s a show that gives you ample reasons to be sad or shocked or COMPLETELY HORRIFIED AT WHAT IS HAPPENING and yet the one thing that moved me to tears was the fact that Bran’s voice just got lower.  That’s it.  That’s why I cried.  Because he’s…you know…growing up.  The scenes I cried at aren’t even sad scenes.  He’s just talking and I’m overcome with emotion at how grown up he sounds.

2.)     That You Tube video with the kid that won’t eat his octopus

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27QGjR8IU48

I’m probably not the only person that thought this was sweet, but I’m guessing most people didn’t break into tears while watching it.  I not only cried while watching the video, I cried while showing the video to two other people and then a few days later in the supermarket I cried when I walked past the fish counter because they were selling octopus.

3.)     The baby grew out of a shirt I liked

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Because I have all those memories of him wearing that shirt for the five weeks he fit into it and that’s all behind me and he’ll never fit into that shirt again.  Ever.  And because it was a good five weeks, but did I really treasure the time like I was supposed to be treasuring it?  I’M NOT SURE THAT I DID.

FYI: It was not even a particularly nice or interesting shirt.

4.)    The Pieta

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I don’t even remember where I saw the Pieta in the past few months—I guess there was a picture of it in a book or a magazine I was reading.  If you haven’t seen it it’s a sculpture by Michelangelo of Mary holding Jesus’s body after the crucifixion.  And here’s the thing– I’m not a religious person.  And I actually saw the real Pieta when I was in Italy where my husband said, “The Pieta has always been my favorite statue—what’s your favorite statue?” and after spending five minutes baffled that I married a person who had a “favorite statue” I told him I guessed my favorite statue was the one in front of Bob’s Big Boy because you can climb on it.  How I went from someone who is fairly unmoved by the actual Pieta to someone who cries hysterically while looking at the Pieta’s Wikipedia page, I have no idea.

5.)     The Elton John song, “I’m Still Standing.”

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I cried at this because I was so proud of the narrator.  Because he’s still standing.  That’s the whole reason.

6.)    Someone described that scene from Grosse Point Blank where John Cusack holds the baby

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I want to make clear that I was not even watching Grosse Point Blank recently.  But a friend of mine had just seen it for the first time and started describing that scene where John Cusack holds the baby at the reunion and the baby’s just looking at him and it smiles and it’s like a turning point for the entire movie.  And here’s the thing—I didn’t even remember the scene because I saw Grosse Point Blank in the theaters back in 1997 and aside from the fact that it was “a good film” and “I enjoyed it” I failed to commit most of it to memory.   But someone goes, “Hey remember this scene?” and even thought I don’t remember it I without hesitating break into tears because it was probably really touching.

7.)    A video of a mother otter whose baby otter got eaten by Killer whales

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k5Eo2FGeEyg

That video where a mother otter’s baby has been eaten by a pack of Killer whales and she climbs onto a boat for safety and then spends the rest of the video either crying while looking out at the ocean or jumping off the boat and swimming around looking for her baby and then coming back to the boat and crying more and obviously I just fucking lost it.

8.)     I bought the wrong hangers.

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My husband asked if I’d buy him those good quality metal pants hangers from Bed Bath and Beyond and I did but I bought the ones where the hook was too small and didn’t fit around the bar in our closet so I had to return them.  I cried at this the way normal people would cry watching the ending to “Ordinary People” and the whole time he kept going, “It’s fine!  It’s really fine!  Why are you crying?  I’m not upset about the hangers!  I don’t understand!”

9.)    The part in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat where he makes peace with his brothers

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You might remember this as “the part that no one has ever cried at.”  In the musical “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat” there’s a scene where Joseph wants to test the brothers who almost murdered him but then decided just to sell him into slavery.  So he pretends the youngest brother, Benjamin, has stolen his cup and threatens to throw Benjamin in jail and all the brothers break into a hip, calypso-style song in which they declare that Benjamin couldn’t possibly have done stolen anything and Joseph should spare him and take them instead.  And Joseph is so happy they didn’t decide to metaphorically sell Benjamin down the river that he forgives them for plotting to murder him and all of the brothers become friends.  I may be the first person in the history of time to cry at something while calypso music was playing.

10.) My life and what the hell I’m doing with it

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What the hell am I doing with my life?  I have a three month old baby at home and I’m running all over the city asking 25 year-olds I barely know to please book me on their comedy shows.  I probably should have cried about this eons ago but the realization that I have no idea what I’m doing didn’t fully kick in until about March of this year.

And there it is.  My big ten.  So if you’re sitting at home in your living room feeling like your life is pathetic, know that I’m staring out the window anthropomorphizing a tree and getting teary eyed “being a tree must be lonely.”

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33 Responses to “Reasons my 33 Year-Old is Crying”

  1. Mommy

    That otter video? Wow.

    Also? Get used to the crying – Cole is almost 4, and I cried today because it was his last day of pre-k3.

    Reply
  2. Lanie

    Man, I’m afraid to see what I’m like post-child… I’m a mess on a normal day!

    Reply
  3. Cindy G.

    I have two children (the youngest is now 6), and the baby hormones never went away. I still cry at the drop of a hat. Even if it’s a hat I never particularly liked.

    Reply
  4. Hoodrat

    FFS. I mean, I know this is a blogpost about things that make you cry, but that mama otter video. I mean. sniff. arrrgh.

    Reply
  5. Christine

    I’m with Lanie. I cry at anything that is even the slightest bit happy or sad. Definitely bawled during the I won’t eat octopus video. You should have seen me during the last few episodes of The Office. I was a wreck. Oh, Pam and Jim why do you have such an effect on me.

    Reply
  6. Susan

    i refuse to be sucked into any of your videos. not going there. funny!!! you should get your hormones checked. sounds like you are stuck in a pms-ish loop. been there. not now. i’m not weepy, just slightly bitchy more often…coming up on menopausal (get ready world). i love the ugly volvo. Thanks!

    Reply
  7. commercial masticating

    A fascinating discussion is definitely worth comment. I believe that you should publish more on this subject matter, it may not be a
    taboo subject but typically folks don’t talk about these
    subjects. To the next! Cheers!!

    Reply
  8. Susann Codish

    My daughter (29, mother of a 5-year-old and expecting her second child soon) just sent me this link. Wow! Did it ever bring back memories. I think I was a somewhat weepier teen and young adult than you, but not by much. Then the baby came. My first breakdown: we’ve been home from the hospital two or three days and I notice one of her teeny-tiny fingernails (they’re so super-soft, hardly stiffer than skin) is peeling back. Let’s just say that three hours later I was barely starting to be able to breathe again without my chest heaving and shuddering (“a piece of her is already dying…”). Another highlight: reading to her from Richard Scarry’s nursery rhymes and completely (but I mean completely, to the point of terrifying my poor husband) losing it over “Three little kittens who lost their mittens,” especially “And they shall have no pie.” The cruelty, the injustice. I was unhinged.

    Reply
  9. Batsheva

    just found your blog, im in love!
    your hysterical!!!
    and do not worry, im 25, have 2 kids, and have no clue what i should with my life either!

    Reply
  10. Sarah

    Thanks for telling me about that stupid otter video. NO I DID NOT WATCH IT STILL…yes, I am crying…

    Reply
  11. Axeta Grind

    Please stop yelling at me. not going near otter video. also, you’re great.

    Reply
    • theuglyvolvo

      I know! I promise I will fix that soon. I was so terrible at wordpress when I started this blog. I am getting a little better but I am still not great at it.

      Reply
  12. Molly

    You wrote this in all caps… and in my head, I heard you screaming the entire article. This was hilarious to me.

    But at the same time, when I’m on my period, I will cry at the drop of a hat.
    No, literally, if I drop my hat on the floor, I will start crying because it’s now covered in dog/cat hair. So I can totally identify with you on this front, and I don’t even have any biological kids.

    Reply
  13. mrs.coxberry

    Love your blog, I’ve spent the last hour reading it and can totally relate. I can’t wait to read more.

    And the crying? It never really goes away. My son is seven and last night I cried at the end of ‘Bones’. Last week, I cried during a completely ridiculous movie that I have watched many, many times. Ugh.

    Reply
  14. Lorrie

    my kids are 13 and 15 – I still cry over goofy stuff, like my child is worried about getting a “c” in science. Not crying because he MIGHT get a c, crying because he is worried
    I cry when they go to visitation
    I cry when I hear about any sad thing on the news at all
    I am not even going to watch that otter thing you have posted because just the description made me cry
    seriously, you are NOT ALONE

    Reply
  15. Christine

    I’ve always been the type to cry at movies and with no shame: from Bambi to King Kong to (wait for it), such critically acclaimed 90s classics like young Einstein and Drop Dead Fred…Also, i love your blog–so dangerously insightful and FUNNY!

    Reply
  16. Jenuinearticle

    AWW…Seriously the best post on here. I don’t even have a kid yet and I’m more weepy now than I ever used to be. (And I did watch the otter video.)

    Reply
  17. Neloufer

    Oh shoot! here I am tearing up on the hangers part of it!! Gosh I can totally relate to you…

    Reply
  18. Liz

    A couple of weeks after my son was born, my husband walked in on me crying over Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide”. This is not typical of me AT ALL. It’s a Really Sad Song.

    Reply
  19. Emily-Jane

    ThiS made me cry because it made me think about all my crying. At home, in public or when some well meaning family member gives me a hug. What.s with this!? Great post- I feel so much better now!

    Reply
  20. Melissa

    I am a super non-sentimental person – like, RIDICULOUSLY not so – but since having my little bundle of joy about a year ago (and now being pregnant with the second), I cry at EVERYTHING related to children. There was a Verizon (I think) commercial right around the time my son was born that involved a little boy being born and then growing up and going off to college (with his Verizon phone, of course) and my husband totally walked in on me just absolutely bawling during it. He was baffled. I’m still sort of baffled.

    I also recently cried during the scene in Pacific Rim where young Mako is being chased by the Kaiju and is terrified, because I could totally see my very pale blond/blue-eyed baby son in that little Asian girl, and OF COURSE at your description of that Otter video. Seriously I think I might have nightmares about that tonight.

    Oh, and unsolicited advice from a stranger: if you can arrange it, do NOT be there for your son’s 1 year old checkup/shots. I didn’t have any problem with the others, but the look of pure confusion and betrayal on his face and the immediate screaming and tears thereafter broke my heart in places I didn’t even know it existed, and I still cry weeks later every. single. time I think about it.

    PS, really love your blog and FB posts!!!

    Reply
    • theuglyvolvo

      Even your description of the 1 year old checkup is making me angsty, so at least I know to emotionally prep myself for it. Thanks :o)

      Reply
  21. Mar

    Well, just wait until your children roll their eyes at you and get disgusted when you get teary… 😉

    Reply
  22. Jenny

    Most embarrassing crying fit (and I also never cry): taking my little brother to the Pokemon movie as a teenager when I was babysitting. At the end all the Pokemon have to fight each other but they don’t want to…I sobbed, like heart wrenching gut sobs. Still embarrassed about that. And I can’t even blame the baby.

    Reply
  23. micahmaranda

    I just want you to know that I’ve never seen that otter video – NOR DO I INTEND TO THANK YOU VERY MUCH – but your description of it made me cry. I have a 22 month old and a 7 month old, if you’re keeping notes on who’s the craziest.

    Reply
  24. Kim

    I have zero children, or even inklings of children (I just double checked to make sure I took my pill today, hah!) and yet this blog post made me cry. Small, shuddery tears of “oh god this is how I am normally there is actually no hope for me when I do have kids but hell it’s actually kind of hilarious when you think about it”. So thanks for the cry-laugh, I think I feel a bit better? Who knows. Maybe having kids will turn me into the sort of person who doesn’t cry at anything ever because they just don’t have time for that crap anymore? Either way I can guarantee it will be interesting.

    Reply
  25. goingtoeatworms

    currently pregnant: yesterday I cried 5 times watching two episodes of “Kitchen Nightmares.” 😦 I felt so badly when the owners were humiliated, then their dreams came true… Yeah.

    Reply

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