Looking for a sitter and I hate to be THAT TOTAL PAIN IN THE ASS PARENT, but I’m really, really picky about what I’m looking for. Our list of requirements is below. We’ve had some lousy experiences in the past, so if you do not meet the requirements PLEASE DO NOT RESPOND TO THE AD. Thanks!
·No out-of-work hitmen looking to pick up extra cash. Also, no leaders of local militias and no one who brags about owning a gun with a silencer.
·No die hard One Direction fans.
·No drug kingpins. I’m sorry. We’ve got like 9 of your resumes and just because you can efficiently run an international drug cartel, doesn’t mean you have experience caring for a 6 month old.
·No washed up reality TV stars who are looking for occasional work but are emotionally falling apart after no longer being in the spotlight.
·No four year-olds.
·No Cirque de Soleil performers wondering “how hard it is to balance a baby on a broom handle for 20 minutes.”
·No manatees or other aquatic mammals.
·NO CATS
·No one working in print journalism who is worried about the industry collapsing and is looking to get into childcare while they debate going back to school for business.
·No one with a prominent GoodFellas tattoo.
·No one who knows all the lyrics to the rap from TLC’s “Waterfalls.”
·No scrubs
·No one who has seen that show “Calliou” and thinks it is a valid, worthwhile show that deserves to be on the air
·No cartoons or fictional characters. After what happened last time, this one is non-negotiable.
You have totally bypassed the benefits of out of work hitmen.
So protective, they will do the job well (just teach them which way to put a nappy on, and how to cuddle without squishing with their burly arms – assuming you’d go for big, strong and muscly if you’re going for a hitman at all…no point in skinny) and your child would be as safe as houses.
The Ugly Volvo 
6 Responses to “Looking for Sitter”
Minus the “Waterfalls” bit, I am totally qualified. We can’t all be perfect…
I know that entire rap by heart and was singing it as I wrote the piece going, “WHY DOES MY BRAIN REMEMBER THIS?” so I included it.
Maybe you should flip it and make it a requirement. 🙂
As a parent, I understand your list, but…
WAIT!!
You have totally bypassed the benefits of out of work hitmen.
So protective, they will do the job well (just teach them which way to put a nappy on, and how to cuddle without squishing with their burly arms – assuming you’d go for big, strong and muscly if you’re going for a hitman at all…no point in skinny) and your child would be as safe as houses.
No-one would mess with your child!
Mrs ASU
I can’t argue with any of these excellent points
I dislike Caillou for so, so many reasons. I’m curious… what are yours?