Attempts At Adulthood

The Best Nursery Ideas for People Who Hate Nursery Ideas

So I’m going to sound like the most angry, hateful person in the world right now, but I hate most depictions of animals in nurseries.  I hate smiling monkeys and I hate friendly lions and I hate giraffes.  (YES, EVEN THE GIRAFFES.  I’M SORRY.)  That being said, early on in my pregnancy another woman came up to me and said, “Oh, you’re anxious about the whole baby thing now, but you’ll get really excited once you pick out a theme for the nursery.  That’s the best part!”

I feel like even Jane Goodall would think this is a bit much.

‘Oh, is it?” I thought.  And so I spent an ungodly amount of time trying to brainstorm ideas for the nursery that I would really genuinely love.   I walked around baby stores looking at themes that seemed to be popular—Classic Pooh, Letters of the Alphabet, Ducks, Noah’s Ark.  But this was a room in which I was going to spend an ungodly amount of time— I tried really hard to brainstorm ideas for a nursery where I could sit for hours with a baby and not get bored and, believe it or not, I came up with a few ideas I really, really loved.

 My Ten Favorite Nursery Themes

*          *          *

 1.) The Breaking Bad Nursery

For the full effect wear Walt and Jesse’s apron/mask combo as you sterilize the baby’s bottles

I’m torn as to whether this nursery should look like a meth lab, or like Jesse Pinkman’s house at the beginning of season 4, with graffiti on the walls and other babies passed out on the floor amidst empty pizza boxes—perfect because like most of the meth addicts, babies have no teeth.  You can line the shelves of this nursery with beakers and boilers (plastic, not glass!) designed to look like the ones Walt stole from the lab at the high school.  Finish it off with a rocking chair designed to look like Hector Salamanca’s wheelchair.  The best part is that from the outside, the nursery looks like an industrial Laundromat.  This nursery is a bit of a financial investment.

2.) The Mad Men Nursery

Enjoy magical motherhood!

       You’ll love the outdated ads for 1950’s era baby items adorning the walls.  A beautiful antique metal crib is a practical place for the baby to sleep, while in the corner of the room you can sit comfortably in a Copenhagen-style egg chair, wondering what everyone in the office is doing and bemoaning the fact that you left work to take care of a newborn.  This nursery comes with 9 bottles of Canadian Club whiskey, some of which you can put on your baby’s gums once he/she starts teething. 

3.) The Orange is the New Black Nursery

Until your baby learns to focus his/her vision, a cute nickname might be “Crazy Eyes.”

The crib is really the key to the decor, designed to look as though the baby is in solitary confinement.  You’re technically not allowed to hang anything on the walls of this nursery, but you can sometimes get away with it if you want to have a few postcards or drawings up.  Baby supplies are minimal and must be purchased from the commissary.  The baby will be issued orange newborn-sized onesies, but will move up to Khaki once he/she hits the 3-6 month size.  You will be required to wear a prison guard’s uniform at all times.

   4.) The House of Cards Nursery

If you’re from Great Britain you can opt for the older, British version of this nursery.

In addition to traditional nursery furniture, this nursery contains a real life Kevin Spacey strangling a dog to death.

5.) The Dexter Nursery

aa dexter

Dexter normally puts up pictures of his victim’s victims on the walls of his kill room. Why not pin up photos of your baby’s friends and family for a cute twist!

This is an aesthetically beautiful nursery that is (BONUS!) also designed to look like a kill room.  In lieu of a toybox your child’s toys will be tied up in garbage bags in the corner as your baby rests in his/her crib under a mobile made from a dismembered Barbie doll.  The changing table (as well as the walls and floor) are covered in clear plastic tarps, making this actually a very practical idea for a nursery in terms of cleanup.  And when your child spits up on you?  Before you wipe it up, save a drop or two on one of the provided “glass slides” which can then be stored in a wooden box and hidden inside the air conditioner.

     6.) The Downton Abbey Nursery

This nursery option comes with a full staff of servants who will do most of the work of caring for the baby

Another beautiful, classic nursery, inspired by the style of the early 20th century.  Contains a life sized wall decal of the Maggie Smith character alongside a children’s book containing her most popular lines from the show.  Is not too different from other nurseries of this time period except that all your child’s dolls and stuffed animals will keep “dying” just as he/she was getting attached to them.


    7.) The “Louie” Nursery

This nursery works particularly well if your baby seems clinically depressed all the time.

The “Louie” nursery is pretty simple to put together and requires a series of simple black onesies in various sizes as well as a pacifier adorned with bright orange facial hair.  It’s a simple, low budget nursery where you freely admit that you have no idea how to raise kids and are constantly nervous that whatever you’re doing will emotionally ruin your children.  Nursery should have one full wall of exposed brick and a plush toy of whoever’s booking The Comedy Cellar.

  8.) The Walking Dead Nursery

This nursery has the advantage that when your child is older and claims there’s a monster in his room you can say, “Yes, probably.”

Make sure that inside his/her crib is the only place your child feels truly safe and spend an hour each day bashing in the heads of his/her stuffed animals with a rock.

9.) The Game of Thrones Nursery

aa game of thrones

Make sure to have lots of warm blankets on hand. Winter is coming.

You’re going to be nervous to enter this nursery once you see the doll heads impaled on spikes around the perimeter of the room , but you’ll save a ton on doll clothes since this nursery requires most of your child’s dolls to be naked pretty much all the time.   Map of Westeros-patterned sheets keep your kid safely in bed, especially paired with a crib whose sides are designed to look like “The Wall.” (This will be expensive to create but totally totally worth it because everyone is going to come to your apartment to take pictures)  Rock your child to sleep in an Iron throne-style glider while he clutches his stuffed wolves, dragons, stags and lions.

 10.) The Gary Oldman Nursery

Look, they don’t all have to be patterned after TV shows you like, although it seemed like fun at the time.  I said to a friend, “I hate giraffes, but I’ve always liked Gary Oldman. Wouldn’t it be great to have a Gary Oldman-themed nursery?  Why isn’t that something they offer?”

And I guess they don’t offer it because there’s not enough “demand” for Gary Oldman-themed nurseries.  No one is perusing Buy Buy Baby looking for a mobile of dangling Gary Oldman heads (which would be marketed as the “Gary Olds-Mobile.”)  But you can dream.  And you can be creative.  And if you have a friend who works in a print shop, maybe you’ll get lucky and they’ll make you this.

If my son grows up with with a severe anxiety disorder, odds are we can probably trace it back to this.

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9 Responses to “The Best Nursery Ideas for People Who Hate Nursery Ideas”

  1. Kika Wintermute

    Hi Raquel, I looooooove this blog of yours and I think the disturbing idea of having mangled barbie-doll bodies set up as a mobile is sickly funny!

    Reply
  2. starlitglow

    I think your baby nursery should be covered with black and white celebrity photos torn from the New Yorker. You still have those , right? You must.

    Reply
  3. definitelyawoman

    I hate baby nurseries. I wanted something for my daughter that would go with the feel of the rest of our house. I ended up going with classy peacock curtains from Pier 1 with fuchsia accents. Peacock is really kinda her theme. This was all a year and a half ago before every store was throwing up peacock.

    For our next baby it will be a subtle tropical theme…maybe.

    Reply
  4. Jenuinearticle

    OMG…you NAILED it with #6. (Because kids are never too young to learn about the senseless loss of beloved characters.)

    Reply
  5. blu_canary

    Ok, I know I’m late to the show. But just found your blog and am going through the archives because my daughter is now nine and I actually have a few minutes to myself! Yay! Which means that in about 30 seconds she will walk up to me and tell me she’s sorry she forgot, but she needs an asparagus costume for school tomorrow morning.

    Anyway…my point! When I was pregnant with her, I decided everything nursery was way too frikkin cute and I was going to have a Bloom County nursery! (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bloom_County) Remember Bill the Cat and Opus the penguin?! No. You are probably too young. But trust me. It would have been hilarious. Everyone talked me out of it because I was hormonal and actually listening to other people’s opinions.

    In the end, I sulked. The nursery stayed painted the same dark blue it had always been painted and I added some pretty, white, Aladdin-esque drapes and called the whole thing done.

    Everyone should just be happy Game of Thrones wasn’t an HBO thing yet.

    Reply
    • theuglyvolvo

      I totally remember bloom county, and though I’m not sure I mentioned this in the post or not, I wound up putting up a lot of far side cartoons in my son’s nursery (and one framed calvin and hobbes strip). but a bloom county one would have been awesome 🙂 very jealous of your idea.

      Reply

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