My husband just got his first smartphone a few days ago and is VERY EXCITED ABOUT IT. This conversation took place this morning, while we were still lying in bed:
* * *
Jonathan: (to me) You don’t remember the Woody Woodpecker show?
Me: I remember it vaguely. I didn’t memorize all the episodes.
Jonathan: You remember the theme song? Dadada DA danh. Dadada DA danh. You remember that?
Jonathan: (suddenly distracted) Hey, I wonder if my phone recognizes the Woody Woodpecker theme song?
Me: We can find out later. Why don’t we just rest for a little longer before the baby wakes up?
Jonathan: (completely oblivious to what I have just said, picks up and speaks directly at phone) Ok, Google now. Ok, Google now? Ok, Google now? I don’t know why it’s not working. Ok, Google now? It’s supposed to turn on when I say this. Ok, Google now?
Me: (sighs loudly)
Jonathan: Ok, Google now? It was doing it before! Ok, Google now? Ok, Google now?!
Me: (sits, watching him do this)
Jonathan: You don’t even have to be holding it! You can say this from across the room and it should turn on. Ok, Google now? Why isn’t it working?! Ok, Google now?
Me: It’s not working because that’s not your phone.
Jonathan: (looks at phone) Oh, this isn’t my phone, this is your phone! (Picks up HIS phone) Ok, Google Now? Look, it’s working! Ok, Google now? What song is this? (He then proceeds to sing what he intends to be the Woody Woodpecker theme song, using entirely different notes because he is completely tone deaf.)
His Phone: It’s Carlos Di Sarli y su Orquestra Tipica: Cuando muere una esperanza.
Jonathan: (frustrated) No! Why isn’t it getting it? Maybe I sang part of it wrong. Ok, Google now? What song is this?! (Proceeds to sing the same completely butchered, off key version of the Woody Woodpecker theme song, but louder.)
His Phone: It’s “Searchin’ for the Truth” by The Haunted Windchimes.
Jonathan: Why isn’t it working?! It was working yesterday! I’ve never even heard of that group! (We look up “Searchin’ for the Truth” by The Haunted Windchimes and play it on the computer. It sounds nothing like the Woody Woodpecker theme song.)
Me: Just play the actual song from your computer and it will recognize it.
Jonathan: (momentarily relieved) That’s a great idea! Ok, Google now? Ok, Google now??? What song is this? (Baby suddenly makes a loud screech from the other room and immediately afterward Jonathan plays a Woody Woodpecker theme song video through YouTube.)
His phone: It’s “Guess Who” by Doug E. Fresh.
Jonathan: NO IT ISN’T! WHY ISN’T IT WORKING???
Me: (Covering my face with my hands, exhausted) Don’t worry about it. I believe you that it was working yesterday.
Jonathan: IT WAS WORKING YESTERDAY! Let’s do it again.
Me: I am so exhausted from this.
Jonathan: ONE MORE TIME. Ok, Google now? What song is this? (Jonathan plays the Woody Woodpecker theme song on YouTube again. He anxiously waits for the results.)
His phone: It’s the Woody Woodpecker Ringtone by Mel Blanc.
Jonathan: THE WOODY WOODPECKER RINGTONE?!
Me: Just let it go.
(Jonathan holds his head in his hands. I leave the room to go take care of the second most tiring thing that lives in the apartment.)