Attempts At Adulthood

Simple Children’s Costumes You Can Blame Your Farts On

We’ve all heard parents joke around, saying, “Having a baby means you always have someone to blame your farts on.”  Which is true.  I’m not saying that was my primary reason for having a baby, but it was obviously in the top ten.

No need to keep blaming your farts on some innocent guy in the elevator.  If you’re “flatulently endowed,” here are some quick easy costume ideas for kids that are not only adorable, they’re going to make your life a lot easier.

The Top Ten Children’s Costumes You Can Blame Your Farts On

or, if my mother reads this

The Top Ten Children’s Costumes On Which You Can Blame Your Farts

1.  Mexican Food

costume taco


Guacamole is obviously extra.

A taco is a good choice if your child is already crawling.  If you have a younger baby but are still intent on covering up your flatulence, perhaps try a Mexican food costume more conducive to a newborn.

 These people put only shredded lettuce in their burrito which makes them boring, yes, but good to stand behind at Chipotle because you know they'll be fast.


For some weird dietary reason these people have put only shredded lettuce in their burrito.  They’re a good bet to stand behind at Chipotle because you know they’ll be fast.

*          *          *

2.  Old Cheese


Because who hasn’t wanted to put their child in a dark, underground cave with the promise that “they’ll mature faster.”

Need a fragrant costume?   Limburger is good.  Blue Stilton.  Camembert.  As soon as someone purses their lips and reaches to cover their nose, you can look at the baby and cry out, “Shit,  I think this was supposed to be refrigerated.”

*          *          *

3.  Any Type of Monkey

costume monkey


Monkey see, monkey doo.

Not that monkeys aren’t adorable, but this is an animal known for violently throwing its feces at people.  Similar to many two year-olds.

*          *          *

4.  Stink Bug

costume stink bug


Part of me wants to high five this kid for his awesome costume and part of me wants to go, “OH MY GOD, STOP RUINING CROPS THROUGHOUT THE NORTHEAST.”

Not only is this a fun costume to blame your farts on, every time you see a kid in this costume you can exclaim, “How are these things f*%king everywhere!?”  Best way to get someone in a stink bug costume to leave your party is to trap him under a giant pint glass, slip a piece of cardboard under him, and escort him outside.

*          *          *

5.  Waste Management Personnel

costume garbage man (2)


One man’s trash is another man’s very inventive Halloween costume.

Looking for a costume that smells overwhelmingly like rotten eggs or sewage?  The garbage man costume is perfect!

Oh, what’s that?  You can’t take time out of your busy schedule to construct a miniature working model of a waste management vehicle?  Congratulations, you’re totally normal.  In that case, just buy some poster board and a pair of scissors and have your child go as:

*          *          *

6.  New Jersey

costume new jersey


I cannot even explain how long I searched Google images for a child dressed up as New Jersey. Sometimes the internet is overwhelmingly disappointing.

Having your child go as the state of New Jersey is going to be rough on the child, but if you’ve eaten enough beans/pork/cruciferous vegetables, it might be worth it.

*          *          *

7.  Air Freshener

 This is apparently a real thing that they sell.


This is apparently a real thing that you can buy.

This costume is also totally perfect if you had planned on dressing up as the rear view mirror of a truck.

*          *          *

8.  Whoopie Cushion

 If you want people to make horrible jokes about sitting on your baby all evening, this would be pretty ideal for you.


Clearly this company comes up with costume ideas by approaching drunk people and five-year-olds and going, “Hey, what do you think is hilarious?”

This costume will explain the sound.  You’re on your own about the smell.

*          *          *

9.  Sushi That’s Been Left In The Sun

 Oh, that smell?  Maybe it's that piece of fish I've been carrying around for five hours.
Oh, that smell? Maybe it’s that piece of fish I’ve been carrying around for five hours.

If people ask about the costume, specify that your child is day-old, discount sushi.  If they say, “Then why is he so adorable?” say, “He’s not.  This is just a picture I found online.”

*          *          *

10.  Skunk

 Also, the perfect excuse for you to pull out that "sexy exterminator/animal control officer" costume.


Also, a great excuse for you to pull out that “sexy animal control officer” costume.

The skunk costume is the perfect way to fulfill your need to have a quirky, unusual costume while also acknowledging your mother’s request of, “Please don’t dress him up as anything too gross or stupid because I wanted to take pictures that I can show to people.”

Also, if you’re looking to clear a room, teach the kid to stand like this.

 Get out of the way.


GET OUT OF THE WAY.

Sure, you’ll have the odd person going, “Why is that skunk twerking?” but most people will get the hint and back off, leaving you and your child-skunk alone in a room full of free candy.  Which, if I remember correctly, is the entire point of Halloween.

And if you don’t have a child but still have a flatulence problem, I’d recommend Bean-O,* Activated Charcoal*, or eating less cauliflower.

Best of luck!

*I don’t really know anything about Bean-O or Activated Charcoal, I just wanted you to feel like you had options.

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Enjoy this post?  Like The Ugly Volvo on Facebook.  Some days I spend more time on Facebook than aspiring screenwriters spend at Starbucks.

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7 Responses to “Simple Children’s Costumes You Can Blame Your Farts On”

  1. Tami Brooks

    Been reading and silently snickering at your blog posts this morning and then totally lost it at “Why is that skunk twerking.” Love you, love your blog. Now I have to explain to my 93-year-old grandfather what twerking is and why it’s so funny.

    Reply
  2. Russcarswell

    I never think about Such a wonderful Kids Costume. I would love to buy SKUNK costume. Would you please suggest me how can I buy?

    Reply

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