Attempts At Adulthood

The Amazing Butternut Squash Soup Recipe That Everyone Should Make At Least Once

Love butternut squash soup?  Looking for that amazing recipe that everyone on earth seems to have?  Look no further!  Follow the instructions below for soup so delicious it’ll change the way you look at fall!

aa butternut the ugly volvo 1

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Step 1.  Buy one or two mid-sized organic butternut squash from your local farmer’s market.  Look for ones that are free of bruises, punctures (which can let in bacteria and cause mold) and brown frostbite scars, which can affect the texture and longevity of the squash.

aa butternut the ugly volvo 4

Ideally you’re going to want to buy them out of rustic-looking wooden crates.

Step 2.  Leave the squash on the counter for few days.  As the squash ages, make an easy batch of homemade chicken stock.  This soup is going to be so great, guys!  Stay with me!

 Store the stock in cute mason jars with homemade labels because otherwise what's the f**king point?

Store the stock in cute mason jars with adorable homemade labels because otherwise what’s the f**king point?

Step 3.  Get distracted by things for a number of weeks.  Unpaid Bills.  Children’s illnesses or problems at school.  Work.  Relationship hassles.  Episodes of “The Walking Dead.”  Occasionally look over at the squash and say, “Oh yeah, I have to make that soup.”

butternut squash the ugly volvo a

I’m sure you’ll get to it.

Step 4.  Wait for over a month.  Throw away the now-rotten squash.

aa squash bad theugly volvo

Quick Tip!
You’ll know it’s ready to throw away when your fingernail glides easily through its rotting, mold-covered flesh.

Step 5.  Don’t be discouraged!  Buy two new butternut squash– ideally organic ones from your local farmer’s market.

aa butternut the ugly volvo 3

Do you feel earthy and in touch with the land yet?
Give it a few more minutes.

Step 6.  Place new squash on counter top.  Wait several weeks before throwing these squash away as well.

Step 7.  At some point also throw the chicken stock away since it is several weeks old and possibly smells like a pile of fermenting skunk corpses.  Take one of the frozen containers of chicken stock from the freezer and put it in the fridge to defrost.  This way it will be ready in a day or two.

aa squash the ugly volvo 2

The stock tastes best in hand-labeled glass jars but if there is a rustic, gratuitous-looking piece of string tied around the jar it will taste, if it can be believed, EVEN BETTER.

Step 8.  Buy two new organic butternut squash.

aa butternut the ugly volvo 5

Enjoy the farmer’s market! While you’re there ask that guy with the beard and the Carhartt jacket if the chickens on his farm are mistreated and if he says ‘no’ can he give you proof?

Step 9.  Allow the squash to sit for two weeks.  Discard.

Step 10.  Ok, you’re really going to do this, aren’t you?  Stay with me.  Buy two additional butternut squash but they don’t have to be organic this time– those are getting expensive, I know.  Just normal ones from your supermarket will work fine.

aa supermarket

The produce is probably from Argentina or whatever but WHO CARES at this point, right?

Step 11.  Obviously you will wait several weeks and then throw these away.  You knew that, didn’t you?  I am sensing that maybe you have made this soup before.

Step 10.  There may be a part of you that is getting frustrated.  A part of you that is going, “Maybe this soup is just more trouble than it’s worth.” FIGHT IT.  Are you seriously saying that you don’t have time to make a simple butternut squash soup recipe?  You’ve already invested so much time and money it would be ridiculous to give up now, wouldn’t it?

aa butternut squash don't give up

Step 11.  Obviously at this point the chicken stock has gone bad.  Discard the chicken stock and take another one down from the freezer.

Step 12:  Take a few weeks off from the soup.  The recipe is tiring.  I know.

Step 13.  Purchase– now here is the key– pre cut up pieces of butternut squash.  You can get these at your supermarket.  They are not that expensive and they will save you the hassle of peeling, seeding, and cutting up a regular butternut squash.

butternut squash the ugly volvo pre cut

In a perfect world, it would just grow like this.

Step 14.  Take the pre-cut up butternut squash out of the fridge.  Look at you!  You are really doing it!  Briefly sautee (5-10 minutes) and then roast the pieces of squash for 15 minutes at 450 degrees.   Now add the chicken stock to the saucepan with the roasted squash except that JUST KIDDING obviously the chicken stock has gone bad again.

Step 15.  Purchase a can/box of chicken stock at a bodega and another package of butternut squash pieces.

aa squash the ugly volvo 3

If it makes you feel better to pour it into little glass mason jars before using it, do it!

Step 16.  Watch more episodes of The Walking Dead since watching people having their heads bashed in is less stressful than dealing with your ongoing feelings of inadequacy.

Step 17 . Re-evaluate why it was so important to make butternut squash soup from scratch.  You’re saying that “pre-packaged soups have so much sodium” but you also just ate an entire bag of potato chips so how big is the sodium issue for you, really?

aa potato chips

Now is a good time to make the “chip on your shoulder” joke.

Step 18.  Allow the boxed chicken stock and new butternut squash pieces to expire.  Purchase a pre-made butternut squash soup from someplace like Trader Joes or call a restaurant that makes butternut squash soup and order a whole bunch of it.

Step 19.  Pour into overpriced soup bowls that you bought at Crate & Barrel on a whim but never really get to use.

aa cute bowlss

So cute, right? If you don’t have cute bowls and a good digital camera, don’t even bother making the soup.

Step 20.  Enjoy!

Congratulations on a job well done!  Once you enjoy your soup you can commence decorating your house with autumn leaves and gourds that appear to be riddled with venereal disease.  Try not to get too overwhelmed by the magic of fall!!

aa gourd

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Similar Posts: Life Getting You Down?  Having a Baby Will TOTALLY Solve All Your Problems.

46 Responses to “The Amazing Butternut Squash Soup Recipe That Everyone Should Make At Least Once”

  1. pensitivity101

    Loved this! Of course there could be another point to your ‘recipe’, like buying the raw goods (in my case leeks before growing our own), then realising you haven’t the time to make the soup, you prepare and freeze them. Two years later when you finally get round to defrosting the freezer, you find this squished bag of green toenails at the bottom which is now totally useless!

  2. about100percent

    Hilarious! I made butternut squash soup once this fall. I put whipping cream in it and then proceeded to whip it up with my hand blender. Then we all ate butternut squash-sauce while I pretended that it was soup. It was not.

    Your recipe sounds like it would work out much better.

  3. Marie Lough

    I love this! Butternut Squash soup sounded so good! As I scrolled down and saw the chicken broth, I thought – “oh no, looks like more effort than I would put out”, but when I saw the next picture my thought was “oh good – I’m not alone!” So I followed along and enjoyed your tale!!!! Thank you for making my day. I really must check out Trader Joe’s!!!

  4. The Sessionista

    I don’t have kids, nor do I watch the (clearly obsessive) Walking Dead, but you are without a doubt my favorite blogger these days. I just sit at my desk, silently snorting with laughter at every post.

  5. asbestosbitch

    Hilarious! I had a similar recipe that involved owning non-mouldy carrots, pitta breads and an orange ALL AT THE SAME TIME, as well as remembering to buy canned chickpeas and cumin seeds. Needless to say it remains in the purchase/planning stages.

  6. BugDoc

    OMG, have you been watching me? I think I have made this recipe at least 10 times. Thank goodness for pizza delivery for those “rare” nights that soup doesn’t work out….

  7. kevinjcarter

    I feel like I have finally found a recipe I can follow. As a man, I have always been impressed with myself whenever I follow microwave cooking directions well. I found your recipe very forgiving of my cooking inadequacies. You are fun to read. I will never read a set of complicated cooking directions involving basting or mincing or marinating, but I will always read you.

  8. Kika Wintermute

    Love it, Raquel! You are so good, girl!
    If only I did not know what a great cook you really are!!!…

  9. Samantha Scruggs

    Lol this is pretty funny. All except that I have a butternut squash that is 2 months old sitting on my counter and it still hasn’t gone bad. Butternut squash actually keeps for quite some time…

  10. Jem

    I just laughed/cried so hard I woke my partner who thought I’d gone into labour….

  11. sumo.alice

    We have the same life. I can confirm that squash CAN go bad if you leave it for long enough – there’s a bad one in my kitchen right now along with a chicken carcass that’ll clearly never even get made into stock. And today my 11 month old daughter wrote almost exactly the same letter to Santa as your son, even down to the hole in the hallway floor…

  12. CC

    Thank you. This blog post is the perfect antidote to the magazine “Kinfolk” which I have been reading compulsively yet hatefully.

  13. starlitglow

    My biggest problem with this post is that butternut squash can last for months. I always stock up at the end of winter. If you ever need any food fact checking in the future, just call. 😉

  14. Lauren

    Love this recipe! I am around step 3. I bought 2 squash…waited a couple weeks, decided I needed another one and am now waiting for all 3 to go bad. :). I better buy some chicken so I can work on that stock….:). Thanks for the laugh! It is nice to realize I am not alone in my ambitions at the grocery store that do not match my energy levels once I return home.

  15. Maria

    I love to make baba ghanouj, but I can’t seem to get around to roasting an eggplant (not even peeled, mind you) for 25 minutes. I can’t count the number of eggplants I’ve had to discard. Including the one that I did roast, then forgot about in the oven somehow and found a week later.
    Love your blog!

  16. Emily Crystal Nelson

    You just perfectly articulated almost every soup I try to make. I have some rotting leeks in the fridge and scary looking potatoes in a bag thanks to one of those “inspiring” farmer’s market sojourns. Spot on!

  17. Jeremy Shapiro

    Love love love your blog so much. Just tore through three posts, then our 4-week old woke up so my wife went to check on her while I kept reading.

    Hey can you get up on the tumblrs? My wife has one of those, and wants to follow you, but doesn’t want emails. She just wants you to magically appear in her tumblr feed. I bet lots of people want that! I’d want that if I tumbld.

    I know you already tweet, but we don’t. We’re lazy and also new parents! Please use our distribution medium of choice. I know you’re a lazy new parent too, but unlike us you’re doing something, attempting to build a brand or something with this wonderful blog. So yeah, tumblr!

    • theuglyvolvo

      I wish I had time to build a tumblr but I can’t now. But you’re welcome to like the facebook page and I’ll mention on there when I have a new post up 🙂

  18. Christina B

    I enjoyed the recipe but just ate an entire bag of my mother-in-law’s homemade cookies while reading it, so I don’t think I can ever actually make this soup. Clearly, this is not my fault at all.

  19. ann

    I have made this soup repeatedly. I thought I was the only one with the recipe. I have a similar recipe for “roasted vegetables”. I remember that I want to make this recipe every time I see vegetables at the farmers’ market. After purchasing the vegetables, it pretty much goes like the soup recipe.

  20. Laura Bradshaw

    ….Or you can just go to Trader Joes and get the fabulous butternut squash soup in a box and go that way! I beat you at lazy!

  21. E. Wenger

    Forgive me but I don’t don’t think this is funny! Wasting food is not a joke when thousands in the world are hungry. Wasting food is not a joke–I am unhappy if I, occasionally, need to throw out a bit of food.

    • Suz Kitsteiner

      I think the humor is in the fact that so many of us can relate to this. I know I personally don’t like to waste food that I have spent good money on but unfortunately it does happen

  22. Jane

    Omg! Have you been sneaking into my house and looking into my fridge??? I have been working a recipe similar to yours for 6 weeks. At this very moment there is in my fridge is a package of rotting precut butternut squash (purchased at whole foods and costing a whole paycheck.) I was thinking I should go there and buy some more today. Love your blog! My son is 18. Can’t wait till your baby grows up and becomes a teenager. You’ll have so much new material.

  23. Toshia

    I can’t even remember the last time I laughed so hard I couldn’t catch my breath, tears streaming. This was so good.

  24. Theresa

    Can’t. Stop. Laughing. I love your posts. The only thing that interrupts me while I’m reading them are my darn kids. Luckily I read your “10 easy meals” post and can now send them away with a healthy serving of nothing. Or pretzels. (but not those because then I would actually have to leave my house). Thanks for the daily laugh!

  25. Jordan

    I like your posts and your humor, but I actually DO want a good butternut squash soup recipe and was actually pretty bummed that it never was shared, as now I have to keep purchasing it at $4/cup at the local store because the prepared ones in the supermarket dont’ taste good.

  26. Jeandre

    hilarious! and too familiar. I actually once made it to the step where i steamed the butternut (a few expired butternuts later), but the added the step of leaving it in the pot overnight (distracted by a night feed call) – ants had a feast!

  27. Kristi

    I thought it was just me — not that I actually thought about it. I have “made” this soup a number of times . . . winter squashes are just too high-maintenance. I have an acorn squash on my counter now, for a variation. I love your blog!

  28. collinstl

    Holy shazamarama….no word of a lie….I have a fermenting squash in my pantry plus a jar of festering homemade chicken stock. Both said items are intended to create aforementioned soup…

  29. Catherine

    Was the recipe here? I don’t have time for all the skimming and scrolling but I understand your tale

  30. uain

    sometimes i forget to throw the moulding vegies out of the fridge, until there is no room in it for fresh ones.
    also, let me share, after waiting for two weeks and planning to dust off the cobwebs in my bathroom, i did away with them last night!!!!

  31. wendyaannn

    I make something similar almost every week. I have banned myself from buying certain vegetables to try and stop the mindless slaughter but somehow I manage to convince myself that collard greens are a completely different animal from kale and the cycle starts anew. Anyway I so totally want to rip this off and write a gift friendly “Cooking with ADD” book but I already love you and cannot betray you in this way, so there you go. It will make a bunch of money, I promise. 🙂 thanks for making me laugh so hard I cried!!!


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