Attempts At Adulthood

The 8 Items Every New Parent Needs

The Buy Buy Baby on 7th Avenue in Manhattan is a great place to go if you’re looking to have a full-blown panic attack.    There are thousands of items lining the shelves and yet, as a new parent, it’s hard to tell what you’re actually going to need.  You’re trying to get ready to bring home a newborn baby, but you’ve never had one of these before, and it’s hard to figure out what’s going to come in handy and what’s going to sit in the closet gathering dust and being eaten by mice.

To keep you from getting totally overwhelmed by the whole experience, I’ve compiled a list that cuts the unneeded fat from modern baby registries.  What’s the stuff you’re going to really want?  And really use?  Look no further.  Here’s a list of the top eight items every parent should own to make the first few months of parenthood as smooth as humanly possible.

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The Top 8 Items No New Parent Should Be Without

buy buy baby

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1. Onesies That Look Like They Already Have Vomit On Them

vomit onesie

Size Shown: 0-3 Months

Despite not putting any on your registry, the number of onesies you receive at your baby shower will be only slightly lower than the number of atoms in the known universe.  That being said– what’s the point of adorable printed onesies that your child wears for 20 minutes before ruining them by vomiting down his own chest?   The vomit-print onesie is designed with whimsical milk spit-up splatters allowing your guests to play the eternally-fun game, “Which are the real stains!?

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2.  A Device That Electrocutes You When You Tell Someone How “Wonderful” Having a Baby Is.

 Please look at these photos of how happy we are.  Please.

Please look at these photos of how happy we are. Please.

It’s so magical,” you tell people.  “He’s such a wonderful baby and I was excited to have a natural childbirth, and I’m just so blessed to be able to–”  ZAP.   “Hahahahaha, what was I saying?  The other day it took me three hours to leave the apartment to buy a peach.”

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3. An Air Freshener That Makes Everything Smell Like Expired Breast Milk/Formula

 Your life is just going to smell like this for a while.

The term air “freshener” may be a bit of a stretch.

Sometimes when my son was really young I would sniff the air and think, “Hey, did I leave an empty yogurt container lying in the sun for the past five weeks, or is that my sofa?”  Enter the air-freshener that makes everything you own smell like an abandoned dairy farm since, spoiler alert, that’s what it’s going to smell like anyway.

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4.  Maternity Pants With Built-In Urine Stains

 Cough, laugh and sneeze to your heart's content.  As far as everyone else is concerned, you've already peed your pants.

Cough, laugh and sneeze to your heart’s content.  As far as everyone around you is concerned, you’ve already peed your pants.

Woman You Just Met:  “Oh, I think you…(gestures to your pants/indicates that you’ve wet yourself.)”

You:  “No, they came like that!”

Woman You Just Met:  “Those are SO CUTE.”

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5.  Conversation Cards For When You’re Trying to Interact With People Who Do Not Have Children

 You'll be the coolest, most interesting person at the party!  If your clothing didn't smell so much like breast milk/formula, no one would even realize you have a baby!

You’ll be so cool and interesting, people might not even realize you have a baby.

Forgotten how to talk about anything other than the baby?  Don’t beat yourself up!  This pack of 52 cards will help you interact with your interesting, child-free friends who can still make conversation about the real, actual world!

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6.  A Vacuum Cleaner That You Can Leave Running

 Having owned one previously, I was so excited to finally have a use for it.

Having owned one previously, I was so excited to finally have a use for it.

With all of the toys and music boxes and swings the stores encourage people to purchase, nothing quiets a crying baby like leaving the vacuum cleaner running.  Actually vacuuming anything is optional, as you will probably not have the energy.  Also, there are YouTube videos of people running vacuum cleaners for up to 12 hours at a time.  See also: Hair dryers.

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7.  A Changing Table That Self-Sanitizes Like One of Those French Public Toilets

 No idea what one of these would look like since the technology companies have "been busy with other things."

No idea what one of these would look like since the technology companies have “been busy designing other things.”

I just don’t understand why these aren’t already being sold in every baby catalog on the planet, but if Google would take a few hours off from designing Google doodles celebrating the 145 anniversary of the toothpick they could absolutely get the patent for this thing.

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8.  A Mask of Someone Holding it All Together

holding it together

Everything is going GREAT.

Don’t want to walk through the grocery store sobbing for the third time this week?  No worries!  Head out the door wearing one of these and no one will ever know the difference.

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33 Responses to “The 8 Items Every New Parent Needs”

  1. heidiandbrianfish

    I love #8. My husband and I joke some days (when I haven’t showered in several days and I am still wearing the same gross spit up clothes from 3 days ago) that I can go run an errand as long as I wear a paper bag over my head that says “I am not Mrs. Fish.” The mask of someone holding it together is the perfect solution.

  2. Liz

    I could’ve used those pee pants. During my daughter’s first year I felt disoriented if one leg wasn’t wet and sticky.

  3. bsimpson7407

    Things went from “I can’t believe new mothers don’t change their clothes for three days” to “Do I really want to waste precious naptime changing my shirt that I’ve only worn for three days?”

  4. Joanna

    Your posts make my day! Number 8 is a must. Next time I cry in the supermarket no ‘normal’ (ie baby-free) people will be forced to feel awkward and avoid eye contact.

  5. Maggie

    Can you make a post making fun of breastfeeding? There’s so many things that are ridiculous about it – leaking shirts, asymmetrical breasts (I have to overcompensate with my stride), trying to get the baby to stick on (latch is not the right word). Thank you for your consideration, this would make my day

    • theuglyvolvo

      Ohhh memories. For the first two months of having a child it looked like I was stuffing my bra with a tennis ball and a basketball. I looked ridiculous. It was pretty great.

    • sterlingsop

      Yes yes yes! Looking back now with 14 years worth of hindsight, breastfeeding has got to be the weirdest/funniest thing ever – trying to feed baby in public and cowering under a blanket so nobody can see only to realise five minutes later that your baby can’t really breathe; the impromptu leakage from one or other (or both) breast if your baby naps so long as five minutes more than the last time he slept; the forgetting which side he last fed from so one side ends up like a zepplin and the other like a pancake; falling asleep feeding baby in your own bed during the night only to wake up with the zepplin/pancake scenario going on with the added hilarity (not) of having the zepplin side hosing milk all over your husband’s side of the bed because baby has been latched on for HOURS while you slept… I could go on but you get the gist!

      • becky

        i never had the pleasure of breastfeeding my boys…but thank you for the laugh! 😀

  6. Heather

    I figured I was the only one that needed both the maternity pants and the ‘hold it all together’ mask. Have you also considered something to fit those awkward situations when you or the baby leave pee on someone else’s furniture?

    • bluesabriel

      God, yes. “You’re going to miss being pregnant!” “I just loved feeling my baby move inside me!” “Aren’t you going to miss this? Enjoy it!”

      I had a great pregnancy and delivery. I really did. I know I was very lucky. But, 10 months later . . . no. No, I do not miss it.

  7. Jaymie

    Hilarious! Now I must go, I hear the cry of the barracuda that wants to gnaw on me with her tiny, painful razor point poking out of her gums.

  8. BrownSugarBritches

    Perfect timing! I have boy-girl twins turning four weeks old tomorrow! I recently went to BuyBuyBaby (here in Ca, not 5th ave) and had that very panic attack. We went looking for leftovers (things ignored or disregarded from my registry) and I couldn’t focus. So many items, so many aisles, so many heart palpitations. It’s nice to have variety, but Lord Love A Duck!!!

    On the topic of breastfeeding:
    1. Tandem nursing of twins is a super power.
    2. Lopsided and asymmetrical breasts are the new black.
    3. White noise app on my smart phone provides the sound of vacuuming and/or hair drying.
    4. The smell of my clothing, style of my hair, absence of joy in my face, goop in my eye and bad on my breath is directly related to the number of ounces of milk forcefully requested of my 38Cs by the almost sandpaper like tongues of the two tiniest loudest most beautifullest terroristic babies. Sandpaper + nipples = %?@/)$!!!!

    This is a great post.

  9. bluesabriel

    I love Buy Buy Baby and it still gives me panic attacks to shop there. So utterly overwhelmed by all the things I want, or wonder if I should buy, or wonder if I should have bought but, hey, too late now!

    I would also add some sort of memory chip to help you actually remember the first three months of your child’s life. I look at pictures and CANNOT remember her being that tiny. It hasn’t even been a year, guys. That first three months is such a blur.

    Or maybe that’s nature’s way of protecting you from remembering things like the maddening sleep deprivation and endless bleeding/pain. Thank God for cameras.

  10. Marisa

    Can #1 come with a matching blouse for mum?

    @Bluesabriel I reckon the continuing survival of the human species depends on a certain level of amnesia the early months of parenthood.

  11. Marisa

    Can #1 come with a matching blouse for mum?

    @Bluesabriel- the survival of the human species depends on the rose-tinting lens of selective amnesia. That’s why the first 3 months are a blur- there was waaayy more pain than pleasure, hence when the pain was forgotten there’s not much left to remember!

  12. Heather

    regarding breastfeeding baby at night in the bed: not zeppelin and pancake, more like a lead balloon and ping pong ball.

  13. Jennifer McCullough

    I love this! As someone who has had panic attacks while shopping for baby gear, I can totally relate!! My Dec. 13th post on top gifts for moms and dads of toddlers is along a similar vein. 🙂

  14. kristin

    Use receiving blankets on top of the changing table and keep one of those recyclable shopping bags on the side to throw them in when they get dirty. Oxy clean, the laundry stain spray in the blue bottle, gets out EVERYTHING! save plastic shopping bags and wrap poopy diapers in them and you don’t need a diaper genie. Look up baby white noise on your tablet or computer on youtube, plug in speakers, and get 10 hours of uninterrupted vacuum or hair dryer noise for the baby, works great. when baby goes down for the night, go through diaper bag and throw out anything yucky or put in laundry, and restock with stuff for baby: diapers, wipes, age appropriate snacks, a change of clothes, small toys, pacifier, small sealed formula and bottles, hand sanitizer, and assorted sizes of ziplock baggies (trust me) AND stuff for you like tinted lip balm, some quick mom snacks, bottles of water, lotion, advil, a hairbrush. Keep your stuff on one side and baby’s on another. I raised my son as a single mom while working about 40 hours a week from home with a lot of social engagements, and this was one thing that SAVED me. Also good? Join a gym with a daycare, I would sometimes spend hours on the elliptical machine reading magazines and watching tv just to zone out and get some me time, plus, get back in shape.


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