Attempts At Adulthood

A Christmas List That is Not Going To Make Sense To Most People

christmas list infertility

People ask for strange stuff at Christmas, as evidenced by the popularity of Snuggies and Zumba DVDs and those electronic “singing fish” people were hanging above their mantelpieces a couple of years ago.  The holidays make people do bizarre things.  My mother regularly makes a Christmas list WITH COUPONS ATTACHED TO THE LIST to make sure I don’t wind up paying full price for anything.  My aunt, for the past decade, seems to have wanted nothing besides “Shampoo, Pantyhose, and a J.W. Waterhouse calendar.”

Fine.  People are weird.  Great.

That being said, here’s yet another ridiculous Christmas list.  While it was technically written by me, it was inspired by (and written in the voice of) my friend’s sister-in-law, Debi, to whom I was introduced through Facebook:

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hadn writing list


Here’s a stock photo of a hand writing a list so you get the idea of what this situation would’ve looked like.

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Dear Santa,

Happy Holidays!  Please give my best to Mrs. Claus and the elves.  After much careful consideration, I have put together my Christmas list for this year.  I am aware that this list is not going to make a lot of sense to most people, but please bear with me.

For Christmas I would like:

To be woken up by a hysterically-crying baby at 2AM, and then again at 4AM, and then again at 6AM.

To have poop all over my hands.

To someday experience telling someone that if they don’t eat at least a fourth of that grilled cheese sandwich, there will be serious consequences.  Ok, fine, an eighth.  Ok, fine, one bite.  JUST TAKE A BITE OF THE SANDWICH! WHY IS THIS SUCH AN ISSUE?!

To discover, five minutes later, that I also have poop all over my clothes.

To trip over cheap, plastic toys someone has left in the hallway.

To live with someone who regularly sneezes directly into my face and does not apologize.

In a decade or so, to be able to say stuff like, “Just do your homework!” or “Because I said you can’t go, and that’s final,” or “I don’t care what Kimberly’s mother lets her wear, I am not Kimberly’s mother!

Constant, nagging self-doubt.

Money worries.

A severely impaired social life.

To eventually live with someone who spends hours sulking on the sofa, staring at an iPhone, and ignoring everyone.

To have unidentifiable stains on my sofa and my curtains and probably also all of my carpeting.

To collapse into bed at the end of every day, exhausted, uncertain, and overwhelmed.

Sincerely,

Someone who’s struggled with infertility for almost a decade

*          *          *

So, of course, if you approach this problem creatively, there are a lot of ways to make the stuff on this list happen for her.  Want poop on your hands?  Ride New York City public transit.  Need someone who spends the day staring at an iPhone and ignoring everyone?  Might I recommend my 30-year-old former roommate.  Longing for the experience of telling someone that they’re in big trouble if they don’t finish their grilled cheese?  You can do this at literally any café where they serve grilled cheese sandwiches by standing around and waiting for someone to order one and then standing creepily next to their table, muttering threats.

 JUST EAT IT, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

JUST EAT YOUR SANDWICH, SIR.  DON’T MAKE ME COUNT TO TEN.

*          *         *

There are a bunch of ways to make the things on this list happen, but there’s only one way for her to get everything on her list without looking like a total lunatic.  Which is what inspired my Christmas list for this year.

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Look, I’ve had a pretty great 2013, and I can’t really ask for much.  I now share an apartment with a person who willingly, lovingly, sneezes into my face at least twice a day.  Sometimes, when I’m lucky, he sneezes into my mouth. 

What I would love is to be able to help someone else have that as well. 

My friend’s sister-in-law is pursuing domestic adoption, which costs anywhere between $25,000 and $50,000 depending on various expenses.  Through a Kickstarter-type program, they’ve tried to raise most of the money they’ll need and they’re a few thousand dollars away from their goal.  Any surplus they receive will go toward helping another family’s adoption costs, or toward Show Hope, an organization that cares for orphans. 

 Someone needs to give this couple a child immediately.


Someone needs to give this couple a child immediately.

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If you’ve struggled with infertility or if you’ve been lucky enough not to, I’d be incredibly touched if you’d help her out with her Christmas list by donating.  It doesn’t have to be bazillions of dollars.  I obviously don’t have bazillions of dollars, as evidenced by the fact that I’m typing this on a four-year-old laptop with only one working “Shift” key.  If you don’t have much money, donate the amount you’d spend on an Auntie Anne’s pretzel and Venti chai latte at the mall.  If you don’t have the money to donate (or even if you do), please share this with someone who might be able to. 

The link to donate is enclosed below. 

Never Give Up Hope: Adopting Baby Marshall

Have a wonderful and great and amazing holiday.

Sincerely,

The Ugly Volvo

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Money is tight for everyone, but if you can’t donate, please share the heck out of this thing.  I want this couple to have some poop on their hands as soon as humanly possible.  Thanks.  

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18 Responses to “A Christmas List That is Not Going To Make Sense To Most People”

  1. MAC

    Shared on FB, after the tears stopped streaming down my face.

    Three years ago, this could’ve been written by me. I read it as I was feeding my 9-month-old (adopted in April), and having just put his 2.5-year-old brother (adopted in June 2011) down for a nap.

    Reply
    • theuglyvolvo

      Thank you so much for sharing 🙂 I’m spending the afternoon trying to get it up on as many mom’s message boards and whatnot as humanly possible.

      Reply
  2. Debi Marshall

    Raquel – thank you so much for your support today! The post is amazing. Spot on. Rich and I have wanted to be parents for so long and when we hear parents speak about the not so fun stuff, we definitely think it’s something we are willing and eager to put up with if just we could have a child to love and care for. We’ve been so overwhelmed by the response from your readers who have reached out and given so much. We are speechless, just speechless. We believe God is working through the lives of the people we have come into contact with through this journey and are so excited that you will all be a part of our child’s adoption story, which will be special and unique to him/her. Thank you, thank you, thank you!! We hope God will continue to bless you and your family this holiday season and best wishes in the future! xoxo

    Reply
  3. vicki

    Thank you so much for doing this for my sister, Debi. This exposure is exactly what we needed to bring the newest member of our extended family home. You are changing lives today. Infinite love to you.

    Reply
  4. Shanna

    Sharing 🙂 I have friends who could have written this same list last Christmas, and I’m thrilled to report that they just adopted a baby last month – his Santa pic’s teared me up even more than my own baby’s first Santa pics (write that one down for your future therapist kiddo).

    Reply
  5. twirlingbetty

    A beautiful post that moved me to donate. I wish baby poo upon their hands stat. I love your blog and it was lovely of you to help these guys out.

    Reply
  6. Lorri

    I was this way after my cancer went into remission. The doctors told me I couldn’t give birth. Then adoption agencies refused us due to my cancer history because birth mothers won’t pick cancer survivors ( real quote). We ended up adopting two infants from foster care. Great experience, fraction of the cost and the are so many kids so need a home.

    Reply
  7. kelsgonebush

    Reblogged this on The Gumnut Kid and commented:
    Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year ! Please enjoy this awesome post by ‘The Ugly Volvo ‘ I think its spot on – and am now wondering why Santa didn’t bring me a laptop cord instead of my new Dora doll :/
    Lots of love from the Gumnut

    Reply
  8. Jaymie

    Donated! May their days be filled with hair pulling and drool & spit up covered shirts 🙂 Merry Christmas!

    Reply
    • theuglyvolvo

      Thank you so much– the generosity of so many people was sort of overwhelming. I hope this time next year they’re totally covered in infant bodily fluids and bemoaning their lack of sleep 😉

      Reply
  9. Courtney.m.hewson@gmail.com

    Please refer them to
    HelpUsAdopt .org

    This is exactly what they do and they are wonderful people. Good luck!!’

    Reply
  10. kreiss1

    Donated. May 2014 be the year that they get more poop on their hands and less sleep than ever before. 🙂

    Reply
  11. fedair

    I could have written that list myself for many years. We were blessed almost six years ago with that gift and I hope and pray these fine people get their Christmas list this tear too.

    Reply

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