People ask for strange stuff at Christmas, as evidenced by the popularity of Snuggies and Zumba DVDs and those electronic “singing fish” people were hanging above their mantelpieces a couple of years ago. The holidays make people do bizarre things. My mother regularly makes a Christmas list WITH COUPONS ATTACHED TO THE LIST to make sure I don’t wind up paying full price for anything. My aunt, for the past decade, seems to have wanted nothing besides “Shampoo, Pantyhose, and a J.W. Waterhouse calendar.”
Fine. People are weird. Great.
That being said, here’s yet another ridiculous Christmas list. While it was technically written by me, it was inspired by (and written in the voice of) my friend’s sister-in-law, Debi, to whom I was introduced through Facebook:
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Happy Holidays! Please give my best to Mrs. Claus and the elves. After much careful consideration, I have put together my Christmas list for this year. I am aware that this list is not going to make a lot of sense to most people, but please bear with me.
For Christmas I would like:
To be woken up by a hysterically-crying baby at 2AM, and then again at 4AM, and then again at 6AM.
To have poop all over my hands.
To someday experience telling someone that if they don’t eat at least a fourth of that grilled cheese sandwich, there will be serious consequences. Ok, fine, an eighth. Ok, fine, one bite. JUST TAKE A BITE OF THE SANDWICH! WHY IS THIS SUCH AN ISSUE?!
To discover, five minutes later, that I also have poop all over my clothes.
To trip over cheap, plastic toys someone has left in the hallway.
To live with someone who regularly sneezes directly into my face and does not apologize.
In a decade or so, to be able to say stuff like, “Just do your homework!” or “Because I said you can’t go, and that’s final,” or “I don’t care what Kimberly’s mother lets her wear, I am not Kimberly’s mother!“
Constant, nagging self-doubt.
A severely impaired social life.
To eventually live with someone who spends hours sulking on the sofa, staring at an iPhone, and ignoring everyone.
To have unidentifiable stains on my sofa and my curtains and probably also all of my carpeting.
To collapse into bed at the end of every day, exhausted, uncertain, and overwhelmed.
Someone who’s struggled with infertility for almost a decade
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So, of course, if you approach this problem creatively, there are a lot of ways to make the stuff on this list happen for her. Want poop on your hands? Ride New York City public transit. Need someone who spends the day staring at an iPhone and ignoring everyone? Might I recommend my 30-year-old former roommate. Longing for the experience of telling someone that they’re in big trouble if they don’t finish their grilled cheese? You can do this at literally any café where they serve grilled cheese sandwiches by standing around and waiting for someone to order one and then standing creepily next to their table, muttering threats.
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There are a bunch of ways to make the things on this list happen, but there’s only one way for her to get everything on her list without looking like a total lunatic. Which is what inspired my Christmas list for this year.
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Look, I’ve had a pretty great 2013, and I can’t really ask for much. I now share an apartment with a person who willingly, lovingly, sneezes into my face at least twice a day. Sometimes, when I’m lucky, he sneezes into my mouth.
What I would love is to be able to help someone else have that as well.
My friend’s sister-in-law is pursuing domestic adoption, which costs anywhere between $25,000 and $50,000 depending on various expenses. Through a Kickstarter-type program, they’ve tried to raise most of the money they’ll need and they’re a few thousand dollars away from their goal. Any surplus they receive will go toward helping another family’s adoption costs, or toward Show Hope, an organization that cares for orphans.
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If you’ve struggled with infertility or if you’ve been lucky enough not to, I’d be incredibly touched if you’d help her out with her Christmas list by donating. It doesn’t have to be bazillions of dollars. I obviously don’t have bazillions of dollars, as evidenced by the fact that I’m typing this on a four-year-old laptop with only one working “Shift” key. If you don’t have much money, donate the amount you’d spend on an Auntie Anne’s pretzel and Venti chai latte at the mall. If you don’t have the money to donate (or even if you do), please share this with someone who might be able to.
The link to donate is enclosed below.
Have a wonderful and great and amazing holiday.
The Ugly Volvo
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Money is tight for everyone, but if you can’t donate, please share the heck out of this thing. I want this couple to have some poop on their hands as soon as humanly possible. Thanks.