Attempts At Adulthood

10 Reasons Why Tiger Moms are TOTALLY AWESOME

There’s been a lot of talk about Tiger Moms in the news lately, and by “The News” I of course mean, “My Twitter feed and this one woman at Gymboree who didn’t know me but had very strong opinions.”  Everyone seems to hate tiger moms, but I think they’re great!  Here’s why:

a a tiger moms the ugly volvo

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1.  Their Kids Always Look Adorable in Photos

tiger moms the ugly volvo kids adorablePhoto Credit: Jerry Tillery/Flickr

 The main reason God didn’t give tigers opposable thumbs was to keep them off Instagram.  If tigers could access the internet they would spend so much time compiling Snapfish albums of  their adorable baby tigers that they’d forget to keep reproducing and would be extinct within 6 years.

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2.  Tiger Moms Are Totally Laid Back About Their Kids’ Friends

tiger moms the ugly volvo pigsPhoto Credit: Leo Fung/Flickr

 “You’re hanging out with WHO?”  That’s something you’ll never hear a tiger mom say.  Tiger moms are totally chill about their kids hanging out with whomever– pigs, gazelles, other tigers from “the wrong side of the tracks” who do stuff like cut class and smoke cigarettes and listen to the “wrong kinds of music.”  Whatever, right?  Tiger moms know life’s too short.

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3.  Tiger Moms Aren’t Super Anal-Retentive About Food

tiger moms the ugly volvo what kids eatPhoto Credit: ElPadawan/Flickr

Human moms are like, “Do you have any more of that unsweetened, locally grown, organic pureed spinach?” while tiger moms are like, “Food Poisoning, Schmood Poisoning!  Have fun eating the uncooked rib cage of some dead animal off the floor.”

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4.  Tiger Moms Aren’t Uptight About Who Babysits Their Kid

tiger moms the ugly volvo babysittersPhoto Credit: Alan Ellis/Flickr

While some human moms are uncomfortable with even the most overqualified babysitter, tiger moms are totally fine leaving their kids with any middle-aged couple in heavy metal LARPing costumes or whatever the hell is going on here.

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5.  Tiger Moms Love Karaoke

tiger moms the ugly volvo karaoke
Photo Credit: Charlie Marshall/Flickr

 While you’re slaving over some supper no one in your family will care about, this tiger mom is kicking it to “Rolling in the Deep” by Adele.

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6.  Tiger Moms Encourage Unstructured Play

tiger moms the ugly volvo baby tigers
Photo Credit: Nelly Hendry/Flickr

Tired of shuttling your kids from ballet to soccer to tennis and then back across town to their bilingual music class?  Tiger moms’ idea of a good time is to lie on the couch watching old “Law and Order” episodes while their kids sit in a room full of wood-chips, biting each other.  DON’T KNOCK IT TILL YOU TRY IT.

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7.  Tiger Moms Love Hugs

tiger moms the ugly volvo bitchslap
Photo Credit: Dave Pape/Flickr
 

 This tiger cub hadn’t seen his mom for literally like three months because he was at camp.  He was so overjoyed to see her, and as soon as he went in for the hug she cried out, “You’re home!” and he cried out, “Mom!’ and this inspirational Disney Movie-style music started playing until seriously, there was not a dry eye in the house.

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8.  Tiger Moms Don’t Totally Freak Out If Their Adult Children Live With Them for a While

tiger moms the ugly volvo adult childrenPhoto Credit: F. Pat Murray/Flickr
 

This is a photo of a mother tiger looking on while her grown sons (who live with her) play together, and the best part is that at no point does she start to go, “Ugh– is either of you even looking for work?  I heard the circus is hiring,” or “Why don’t you dress better and then maybe female tigers would start noticing you?”

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9.  Tiger Moms Are Great at Enforcing “Time-Outs”

tiger moms the ugly volvo time outPhoto Credit: Dirk Vorderstrasse/Flickr

This tiger’s bedtime is 9PM.  No joke, last night at 10:15, his mother walked into his room and found him sneakily watching a movie on his iPad, and now not only does he have to sit in this cage indefinitely, he also loses iPad privileges for up to two months and is no longer permitted to hunt antelope, even when “all the other kids are hunting antelope.”

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10.  Tiger Moms Will Totally Make Stupid Faces at the Paparazzi And Just Not Care

tiger moms the ugly volvo paparazziPhoto Credit: Takashi Hososhima/Flickr
 

There’s a lot of pressure for celebrity moms to always look put-together and perfect when they’re caught on camera, but tiger moms could not care less. They’ll look right at the camera and make the stupidest face possible as if to say, “Hahahahaha– you think you’re so clever, paparazzi, trying to take embarrassing candid photos of me that you can sell to US Weekly for thousands of dollars but I’m totally playing along.  I’m the one in control of this situation.”

And that is what is so totally awesome about tiger moms.  They’re not saying they won’t let you take their picture, but they don’t let you forget that, if push comes to shove, they could totally eat you.

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If you enjoyed this post, join my e-mail list and get notified of new posts.  Also you can like me on Facebook and Twitter.  I’m hoping that if enough people follow the blog I’ll eventually have enough power to control the weather.  Wish me luck!

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22 Responses to “10 Reasons Why Tiger Moms are TOTALLY AWESOME”

  1. Life in the Wylde West

    I LOVED this post. You are schoolin me. I never heard of a tiger mom until today and well, super in love with it. I was smiling and laughing my read through. Way better than helicopter moms.

    Reply
  2. Carrie Bida

    I subscribed to this too. She reminds me a lot of Jennie Lawson who wrote the book I’m listening to.

    Reply
  3. Rachael

    I love this! I didn’t expect it, but I love it. I personally have no problem with the ‘actual tiger mom’ in humans either. To each their own I say!

    Reply
  4. babette75

    For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what a Tiger Mom was. I thought maybe it was the new term for cougar, or some such. Instead, I was pleasantly surprised! Thanks for the smile!

    Reply
  5. caroline seguin

    You are so great. I love your writing, makes me smile every time

    Reply
  6. about100percent

    Tiger moms are also awesome because if you give them grief about their parenting style, they will totally eat your face off.

    Reply

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