Attempts At Adulthood

Parenting Olympics

For those of you angry that having a child prevented you from qualifying for the Sochi 2014 Olympics (or the wherever-they’re-holding-them-2016 Olympics), remember that while you may be losing at international sports competitions, you’re still in the running for a few other medals:

Event 1:

olympics weightlifting

To level the playing field, this event is divided into multiple weightclasses:

Newborn

Infant

Toddler

Exhausted Older Child

Young Child + Stroller, and

Young Child + Uncomfortable-to-Carry and Bizarrely-Heavy Car Seat/Carrier

*               *             *

Event 2:

olympics emotional hurdles

A feat of less-obvious athleticism, some people train for YEARS to master this event.  Gold medal goes to anyone who manages not to lie awake night after night second-guessing all their decisions or, if that proves too difficult, anyone who doesn’t break down crying for no particular reason on a Tuesday.

*               *               *

Event 3:

olympics slalom

Medals are awarded for multiple categories, including “fastest wiping,” “best use of snot-sucking apparatus,” and “fastest acceptance of booger slalom’s inevitability.”

*               *               *

Event 4:

olympics wrestling

People laugh off this event, thinking, “How difficult could it be to pry a pair of scissors or a frayed piece of wire out of the hands of a one-year-old?”  or  “Oh, I could do that, it looks so easy!”  But the thing about these athletes is that these people are up every morning training at 6 a.m.  Sometimes at 5 a.m.  Sometimes at 2 a.m.

*               *               *

Event 5:

olympics gymnastics

The signature move the judges will be looking for here is the “mid-change full-body flip complete with angry poop-hand swipe.”  Points are deducted for parental use of curse words.

*               *               *

And Finally, Event 6:

olympics pants

This is, hands down, the top ticket item for the parental Olympics.

While incredibly time consuming and stressful for the athletes (particularly when they are on some sort of deadline) this event will always be a favorite among both children and spectators.

*               *               *

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78 Responses to “Parenting Olympics”

  1. Ann Kilter

    How about an emotional fortitude event: Being able to step over your child and walk out of the room when they are having a tantrum. Extra points for walking out of the store without the candy bar they are throwing a tantrum for.

    Reply
  2. Veronica Shukla

    I love the changing table gymnastics! Thanks for the morning laugh. I needed that after my morning tumble down the stairs. 🙂

    Reply
  3. christineespeer

    I’ve been training for the ‘Get Back Over Here So I Can Put On Your Pants’ for years but have never been a contender… Very entertaining post!

    Reply
  4. franv32

    Laugh laugh laugh. The Inside the Car Hurdles could also be included however not very practical for the crowd to view.

    Reply
  5. Jennith

    I so started writing this post in my head during the Olympics – and never put it down on paper. I’m glad someone did. You did miss events related to marathon rocking your baby to sleep, the toys all-over the carpet obstacle course, and the babe-athalon that is part chasing your child around the house with stints of accuracy while you try to get the spoon of food in the babies mouth and not up their nose, in their hair or all over the clothes you just wrestled them into. Great blogging! Thank you for making me laugh even though I’m so tired today I could cry.

    Reply

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