Attempts At Adulthood

An Overview of the Oscar-Nominated Movies For Anyone Who Didn’t Get Around to Seeing Them (No Spoilers)

The Oscars are almost upon us, which means it’s that time of year when I remember all the movies I meant to get around to seeing in the theaters, but which I only managed, months later, to slide into my Netflix queue.  (High hopes that I’ll get around to seeing them once I watch that “Constant Gardener” disc I’ve been holding onto for five months without watching!)

But this year, I promised myself, would be different.  When my cool, childless friends said, “Hey, did you see [insert nominated movie title] I would have something to reply besides, “No, I was at home, wiping mucus off the recliner.”  I would be able to over-enthusiastically scream,  “YES, I SAW IT!  DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT LIKE ADULTS?!”

So I saw several movies.  If you, like so many people out there, want to watch the Oscars and feel like you have some idea of what’s going on but have not had ANY time to get out and see a bunch of movies, here are (without any spoilers) brief overviews of some of this year’s top films:

oscars theuglyvolvo statuette

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Gravity

oscars theuglyvolvo gravity

In the Best Picture-nominated film, Gravity, Sandra Bullock is in totally amazing shape and has tons of quiet time to herself.  And you’re going, “Quiet time to herself? That sounds incredible!!” but without giving anything away, heads up, it’s not as fun as it sounds.  Also starring George Clooney as “George Clooney dressed as an astronaut.”

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American Hustle

oscars theuglyvolvo amy adams

Embarrassed by some of your fashion choices?  Feel like your hair always looks ridiculous?  Well, get a load of American Hustle, where the entire cast looks like someone electrocuted a Bee Gees concert.  Bradley Cooper’s hair is nominated for three Oscars.  Also, someone from this movie is nominated for “Best Supporting” but it’s definitely not any of Amy Adams’ bras.

*     *     *

Nebraska

oscars theuglyvolvo nebraska pic

Ok, so babysitter canceled due to inclement weather and I didn’t actually get to see Nebraska, but I bet it was so great, right?  It had to be at least decent or else film critics everywhere would write hundreds of reviews in which they compared it to the actual state of Nebraska, saying “This movie is boring and sort of flat and when you’re in the middle of it it feels like it goes on f**king forever.”

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Frozen

oscars theuglyvolvo frozen

Frozen is nominated in the relatively new category of, “Best Song-Around-Which-Someone-Has-Also-Built-An-Animated-Film.”  It’s a fun romp that will remind you of the Disney movies of your childhood, though with a better ending and (if I haven’t mentioned it) the incredibly popular song, “Let it Go.”  If you see the movie, expect to spend a lot of time walking around singing Let it Go, and a fun bonus, if you have an infant in the house, is breaking into Let it Go every time you’re prying something they’re not supposed to be holding from their fingers.  The movie’s alternate working title was  “Let it Go + Some Sort of Plot.”

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August: Osage County

oscar theuglyvolvo osage county

Ok, I also didn’t see this one.  But I meant to.  On two separate occasions I was all, “I’m going to leave the house and walk twenty minutes through the snow to get to the movie theater to see August: Osage County” and then somehow managed to rationalize not leaving the house.  I heard it was good and has Meryl Streep in it, so without even fact-checking this post I’m going to assume that Meryl Streep is nominated for an Oscar.  This makes the number of times she has been nominated only slightly lower than the number of atoms in the known universe.

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Her

oscars theuglyvolvo her

Remember what it was like before you had a kid, when you formed meaningful adult relationships?  That’s what Her is about.  I thought it was great.  A lot of other people I respect have told me they thought it was less great, but I still thought it was really great.  We can disagree on this and still remain friends.  It’s not for everyone.  Also, this movie takes place in a future that looks like what you’d get if Portlandia had sex with The Jetsons.

*     *     *

Dallas Buyers Club

OSCARS theuglyvolvo dallas buyers

I keep picturing Matthew McConaughey dressed up as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, while Glenda the Good Witch tells him, “Why, my boy…you’ve had the power to act this whole time.”  McConaughey is amazing.  Also, what really hurt after seeing this movie was staring at my own face in a mirror and realizing I’m less attractive as a woman than Jared Leto.

*     *     *

12 Years a Slave

oscars theuglyvolvo twelve yrs

This was an incredibly powerful movie and I hope it wins a thousand awards.  I’m not saying I cried a lot, I’m just saying I’ve emerged from swimming pools less soaked.  It’s directed by someone named Steve McQueen in an attempt to make the name “Steve McQueen” less synonymous with cars.  Chiwetel Ejiofor is amazing in the film, although clearly he is memorable in other films as well, as two seconds after he appeared on screen my husband screamed, “It’s the bad guy from Serenity!”  But 12 Years a Slave is well worth checking out.  Probably the best time to see it is after having burglarized a tissue factory.

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Blue Jasmine

oscars theuglyvolvo bluejas

A super confusing movie which casts Ronan Farrow as Aladdin, Mia Farrow as the woman who wants to save all 101 Dalmatians, and Woody Allen as a guy who writes a letter to the New York Times.  The movie also stars all of us as “the audience who just wants some ending to this mess where nobody else gets either physically or emotionally hurt.”  We don’t know who to believe or who to trust, but we’re all good people and want to believe that good wins out in the end, so we’re hoping for — if not a happy ending —  at least one that makes sense?  Brief cameo by Frank Sinatra.

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Wolf of Wall Street

oscars theuglyvolvo wolf

Think of how boring and predictable your life seems sometimes.  Think of how you don’t have an insanely large, beautiful mansion or a fantastically expensive wardrobe.  Think of how little of your time involves popping Champagne corks while wearing expensive sunglasses and how you literally never get invited to parties covered by the tabloids.  Think of the expensive summer house that you’ll never have and how neither you nor your spouse looks anything like a model.  Are you thinking of all those things?  All of them?  Great.

Now go see Wolf of Wall Street and when you get home, sit on your beat up, food-stained couch, think of those things again, and this time, appreciate them.

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If you enjoyed this post and want to see more funny stuff, like me on Facebook  or follow me on Twitter.  Or if you’re ready to make the jump,  please sign up and follow the blog!  I won’t bite!*

*That was a lie!  I totally bite!  Sorry!  Maybe look into getting a tetanus shot or something.

 

 

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24 Responses to “An Overview of the Oscar-Nominated Movies For Anyone Who Didn’t Get Around to Seeing Them (No Spoilers)”

  1. caroline seguin

    That was so funny, I loved it. You’re the best. Thank you and keep it up please 🙂 – A lonely mom at home ❤

    Reply
  2. Uri

    I don’t ever see movies in theaters for the same reason. And ditto with Netflix queue. Got close with Frozen because I have a 4 year old. But I had a then-12-month old also. So my 4 year old sat with daddy and I paced the halls with our newly walking daughter. Then nursed her to sleep in the dark theater. I also fell asleep and woke up for the last 5 minutes. Oh well. Blue Jasmine sounds like everything associated with Woody Allen I have ever seen. Brilliantly done–and thank you for no *spoilers*! I really like your graphics. 🙂

    Reply
  3. Carrie Sharp

    I prefer your synopsis of Blue Jasmine to the plot of the actual movie. Can we please have a redo with your Woody-adjacent story line (and possibly animation with your blue Jasmine)?

    Reply
  4. bluesabriel

    As a fellow parent of a one-year-old, my first thought while reading this was “Wait, she got to see movies IN THE THEATER?!”.

    I have actually seen Frozen, though, and was not singing “Let it Go” while prying things out of my child’s hands, though now I will be, so thanks a lot for that one.

    Reply
  5. lilbugbookreview

    I just found your blog!
    It’s been so long since I’ve seen a movie, I hadn’t even heard about half of these. Thanks for the movie recaps and other great posts!

    Reply
  6. NobelNaps

    Best part about Frozen: trying to ID the pre-chewed, moist and gooey things 1.5 year old sampled from movie theater floor while older sister earnestly belted Let it Go with eyes closed.

    Reply
  7. Sandy

    I haven’t been to the theater since my baby was born, and it doesn’t even snow here. Maybe I will again someday after I’ve figured out how to pay for his college.

    Reply
  8. dotsdancing

    I thought *Her* was great – brilliant writing, intriguing concept, great music & acting. But I have also been away from movie-going for a while because of mom-duties and related fatigue, so really really miss the kind of contemplative dialogue found in Her (also found out Spike Jonze was inspired by how Charlie Kaufman wrote “Synecdoche, New York”, a movie that I loved but I may have been in the minority).
    Not sure how I ended up on your blog now, but glad I found it! Maybe it was the booger post?

    Reply
    • theuglyvolvo

      I’m in love with the fact that someone who also loved “Her” found my blog through the booger post. But yes, it was probably that one. I have not seen synecdoche, new york but it is on my list. Moreso now, since I’ve been meaning to see all the PSHoffman films I haven’t yet seen.

      Reply
      • dotsdancing

        Not just any booger post, but a booger slalom post! Ah yes, Phillip Seymour Hoffman… watching Synecdoche, New York now will probably give it added poignancy, on top of whatever is already contributed by gushy mommy hormones/brain when contemplating things like mortality, love, identity, etc.

  9. Liz

    The Portlandia/Jetsons comment: awesome. And the Wolf of Wall Street summation was perfect. It’s a circle of life, isn’t it, or something like that.

    Reply
  10. about100percent

    This is hilarious. And I feel like a complete loser because I saw only one of these movies, and now I’m out of time to see any more of them. I didn’t even see Frozen, and I have two kids.

    Best line: “Also, what really hurt after seeing this movie was staring at my own face in a mirror and realizing I’m less attractive as a woman than Jared Leto.”

    Girl – I feel you.

    Reply
  11. Moe

    I made the mistake of seeing August: Osage County. I made this mistake because for some reason I find Benedict Cumberbatch attractive and spend my $5.00 matinee fee to see him on screen for a total of 10 minutes spouting a horrible Southern accent. I would like to clarify that the acting in this, especially by Streep, was excellent. I wouldn’t be surprised if she took the Oscar for her performance, it was very very good. The movie itself? OH MY, WHY THE HELL DID I SIT THROUGH THIS WHOLE MOVIE, I HATE ALL THE CHARACTERS, WHY CAN’T A DECEPTICON COME THROUGH THE SKY AND DESTROY THEM ALL JUST TO PUT THEM OUT OF THEIR MISERY?! If I wanted to sit through 2 hours of miserable people shouting at each other making themselves more miserable, I’d just stay for drinks after Thanksgiving dinner.

    Reply
  12. funnyisfamily

    I was drowning my sorrows over my Oscar ignorance in a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos while reading your summaries. Now I am feeling ready to watch the Oscars even though I’ve only seen one of these films. SPOILER: I have kids. It was Frozen. Also? I have a bellyache from all the chips.

    Reply
  13. whencrazymeetsexhaustion

    Oh, girl. Are you available for playdates? I need more of you in my life. This? Perfection. I almost pissed myself several times through, and it’s not just because I’m 8 months pregnant. Well done, m’lady. Well done.

    Reply
  14. wiseblooding

    Loved your overview! Since I haven’t seen any of the films, I will trust your expertise and only see 12 Years A Slave. (That’s pretty much what I was going to do anyway.) Maybe watch Dallas Buyers Club when it comes to Amazon Prime or Netflix.

    Reply
  15. anntogether.com

    Hi there. Love your spin on Oscar night. I didn’t get to many movies this year either. I have 2 teens that don’t require diaper changing but I still have to clean up their crap 😉 I absolutely agree with you on Frozen which I did see with my big kiddiess. I felt like they were selling the Broadway version early. The opening song was very Lion Kingesque and many of the songs didn’t seem well placed. Oh, well all those red carpet penguins and sparkling dolls will still be able to purchase more fineries.
    I wrote a silly little post about combining Oscar Night with the Westminster Dog Show because I don’t hold the Grammys on a pedestal. I do like the pretty doggies though.
    Great blog, great layouts.
    AnnMarie
    new blogger and future Oscar protester

    Reply
  16. MagicMom

    Loved the comment about Sandra Bullock’s hair! I was so looking forward to that movie because I love both Sandra Bullock and George Clooney….but I was so disappointed by the actual movie. Why is it in space movies when people wind up un-thethered they float away? They wouldn’t, unless some external force propelled them.

    Reply

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